Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
You Might Also Like
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
first you must answer his riddles
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.