Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.