I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.