One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My safe word is Worcestershire
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
He’s cranky this morning
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.