This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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Can’t, holding a grudge
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.