I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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happy friday
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
SCARY COSTUME
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.