Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*