Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Lucky old June.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.