My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The Punning Dead.
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.