My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.