WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
bad
worse
worst
worchester
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.