If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.