Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Wake me when AI does housework
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Wait for it
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last