Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
You Might Also Like
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe