True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
#Caturday