Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.