Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
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[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.