Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

These 3D printers are insane!

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES

One of the best

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math