@Grommit56

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

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@KimmyMonte

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

@KyleMcDowell86

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

@Kryzazy

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

@zachary_lampley

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@tastefactory

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@claire_mudie

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.