Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Scream sneezers need love too.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.