after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
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i dont have time for this
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*