Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
This is my pinned tweet
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Just why bro?!
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
We decided to have money instead of children.