We decided to have money instead of children.
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The sacred texts.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.