I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
🍛
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Happy Febuary everyone!
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.