ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?