I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*bites zombie*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.