My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it