My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.