I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Seems legit
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy