One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
this is funnier than any friends episode
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.