I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too