I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
…żyje?
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
just left a huge legacy in there
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Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide![]()
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Weighing up my bread heating options
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..