Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
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Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.