if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Bringing home a sharpie
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Nice try Hitler