The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.