The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
A drum solo but on your face.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying