I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
😲 WTF? 😆
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?