[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
You Might Also Like
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Banking tips
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The future is now.