[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing