What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The two types of wives
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.