I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
at ease…shoulder.
We’ve all been there
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.