I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.