Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles