I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You Might Also Like
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
181.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
