Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce