I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I’d love this…lol
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.