MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
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therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me