Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
You Might Also Like
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
black phone good
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’