Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
We all have our pet causes.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨