Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.