I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
fly smarter, not harder
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational