Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
called in thicc to work this morning
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.