I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The news
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.