Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.