I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*