Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever