Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’ve been drinking.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”